Doubt creeping in..

Up until now, I was feeling really positive and excited about this pregnancy. But today I am 10 weeks and in a week or so I am going to do a CVS, which basically tests the chromosomes of the baby to make sure there are no defects.

All the trauma, sadness, anxiety of my last pregnancy is now flooding my brain. Very few people know the truth about my last pregnancy because I am afraid that people will judge me. But I am ready to tell the story here because at least there is still some anonymity. Just for background: my first pregnancy was a breeze. I felt great and had the pregnancy glow. I started feeling my little baby kicking which made me laugh every time. My OB at the time recommended that since I was 35, I should get an amnio. He did not give me any other prenatal tests, thinking the amnio is 99% accurate and every other test only gives probability risks. I believed him with blissful ignorance.

2 weeks after my amnio, the genetics counselor called to tell me that my little sweet baby has a chromosomal abnormality- chromosome 21 has a deletion and chromosome 14 has an additional piece of material. I never even thought this could be a possibility and was completely unprepared. The next 6 weeks following involved tests after tests to confirm these results, which sadly were 100% confirmed. We asked three top geneticists in the world to look at our report to see if they agreed with the results, which they also confirmed. This baby would have severe mental problems. I cried everyday for 6 weeks straight.

It was the most heart-wrenching decision of our lives, but my husband and I decided that we should terminate. The day I went in for termination was the absolute worst day of my life. I never cried so hard in my life and up until the point of termination, I felt that little baby kicking as if to tell me not to do it. After the termination, I was rushed to the hospital to deliver the baby by induction. For the next 2 days, nurses came into my room congratulating us. Then someone who had a clue whispered what happened and the happy nurses would profusely apologize. I finally was released from the hospital and spent the next several months recovering physically, emotionally and mentally.

Cut to, today. Soon I am going to have a CVS done. As much as I don't to, I know I have to. I want to be sure this baby has the best chance at life he can. I worry so much about everything- if I had a child who is constantly sick or hospitalized- I wouldn't be able to function. We are doing a CVS so that if G-d forbid there is a problem, we know sooner.
I am so scared. I guess I will know either way in a few weeks.

Jewish holidays are coming up and I will be doing a lot of praying.